Reading Guide for Fear Itself by Candida Lawrence
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About Fear Itself
In her latest memoir, Candida Lawrence once again shows her spirit of endurance and independence during her life as a young woman in post-war America. With razor-sharp honesty she recalls her difficulties trying to conceive a child, which she comes to realize is the result of her exposure to low-level radiation received while working in national labs.
In Fear Itself, Lawrence takes readers back to an unprecedented time in America. World War II has ended yet America is still waging war...a war against its own as scientists create and test atomic weaponry at sites across the United States. Lawrence and her husband work in several government facilities during the 1940s and 1950s, where their health was regularly monitored for reasons not quite clear to them. Lawrence, however, feels a "cosmic angst"—a fear and discomfort based solely on intuition. Before long, however, she realizes her anxiety and distrust are warranted.
In her first two books—Reeling & Writhing and Change of Circumstance—Lawrence relays vivid accounts of her failed marriage and child custody battle that eventually led her to take her children from her ex-husband. Now in Fear Itself, Lawrence looks at the years before her children were born when she grapples with her identity as a young wife and graduate student, when she struggles to conceive a child, and then much later, when she arrives at an unsettling acceptance of the conditions life has dealt her.
In this book, Lawrence becomes a voice for thousands of Americans who were unknowingly exposed to dangerous levels of radiation. By sharing this difficult and heart-rending account, Lawrence not only tackles her own personal struggle to heal herself but also brings to light disturbing political and social issues of growing importance today.
About the Author
Often called a survivor in the truest sense of the word, Candida Lawrence is a portrait in resilience. Her memoirs recall in searing detail her persistent attempts to conceive a child, her failed marriages, and her determination to raise her children away from their father. Candida is her false name, adopted in 1965 when she and her children chose new identities and went in to hiding.
Lawrence is the author of three autobiographical narratives. She lives and writes in Mill Valley, California.
Discussion
1. The events of this book take place during a time of significant social and political upheaval in the United States (for example, the production of nuclear weapons during the cold war, the growing women's rights movement, Joseph McCarthy's crusade against communism). How has the general population's view of the government and authority figures changed since the 1940s and 1950s?
2. As a young schoolgirl, Lawrence is puzzled when her father tells her she doesn't have to recite the pledge: "...you cannot promise to respect a country today when it might not behave well next month, or tomorrow," he tells her. How does this comment take on meaning over the course of the book?
3. How does Lawrence react when she learns that her husband knew the condition of Mical, their unborn daughter, long before she was delivered? A few months later, when she is pregnant again, Lawrence chooses to have an abortion. Her husband tells her she is "brave...considering." What does he mean by this remark?
4. The most significant men in Lawrence's life—her father, husbands, lovers, employers, doctors—are all nameless in this book. What is Lawrence saying about these and other men who make things?
5. Durevol, the youthful free spirit, is very unlike the other men in Lawrence's life. Although he's had no formal schooling, he's an architect, painter, sculptor, musician, and dancer. Lawrence tells him, "Probably no one forced you to do anything or be anybody, so you just grew and did things, and here you are!" How does Lawrence feel about the roles of women at the time?
6. Toward the end of the book, Lawrence is in Nevada investigating the environmental damage caused by above-ground bomb testing. What drives her to pursue this information?
7. Throughout this memoir, Lawrence intersperses excerpts from books and newspapers investigating the circumstances around Americans' exposure to radiation. How do these accounts affect your reading of the book?
8. At the end of her first marriage, Lawrence says, "We get scratched and mottled by acid air, but we don't shatter." Despite the physical effects radiation has had on her, is Lawrence able to heal her spirit?
9. What lessons have we—the public and the government—learned about the use of contaminants in the environment? What does it take to motivate public interest to prevent potential hazards to people and the environment?
10. What is the significance of the title of this book? In light of Lawrence's experiences, what should people fear?
Recommended Reading
Susan Griffins. A Chorus of Stones: The Private Life of War (1992)
Candida Lawrence. Reeling & Writhing (1994)
Candida Lawrence. Change of Circumstance (1995)
Eileen Welsome. The Plutonium Files: America's Secret Medical Experiments in the Cold War (1999)
Terry Tempest Williams. Refuge: An Unnatural History of Family and Place (1992)
Praise for …Fear Itself
"This is a powerful book, recording an unintended and eventually hidden though insidiously consequential way that 20th century inventions of violence damage and destroy lives. The author tells her story in a terse, refreshingly authentic voice, wry at times, yet unflinching when faced with complex, often tragic revelations. The story is one we should all know if we are to chart a better future for those who come after us."
—Susan Griffin, author of A Chorus of Stones: The Private Life of War
"Candida Lawrence's valuable story, which begins in her childhood, is frightening in its detailed information about the American lives (old and unborn) lost to the secret keepers of the national and corporate nuclear industries."
—Grace Paley